Parents the Provokers

I was reminded a couple of weeks ago about the importance of scripture by a certain speaker who had come to our church who, during the heart of his sermon, just as he was about to pull out a biblical stunt like all prophets do, he said something that really stuck with me, "All scripture is important...." Later on as we were sipping on some juice, he went as far as to say the book of Numbers was equally important to the book of Corinthians. WHAT? The book of numbers? The book of numbers? Surely he was joking! The beginning of the book of numbers is like a biblical class register, where God documents all his homies? I've tried to read the book of Numbers once, I read it until I realized that this was a census, the only thing missing was income, education and employment rates, then I paged to David and Bethsheba, you know some real soapy and scandalous stuff, Bold and the Beautiful style.

Anyway I took that statement to heart and have approached all scripture more analytically ever since.
You can imagine the revelation-overflow when I came across a piece of scripture in the book of Ephesians 6:4 that said:
"And, ye fathers (note: other versions say parents), provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

I was astounded by this piece of scripture, I had to whoop out my more analytical bible the Amplified Version and it quoted:
"Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord."

Honestly, the people who are entrusted to share on the pulpit the precious mysteries of God have neglected to quote this piece of scripture. Maybe because they are part of the gang being referred to.
Too many times have we heard the echo of,"Children honour your parents, so you may live longer." This piece of scripture was drummed down my throat since before I could read or write, to Sunday School, right till I celebrated my 21st, but never ever have I heard any pastor preaching about our parents provoking us. The preaching is extended fr chom to our traditional black families. In any black family whether it be Sotho, Zulu, Xhosa or Swati (I don't know about the Chinese and Indians), disrespecting an elder is the equivalent of 1st degree murder. I have heard elders referring to a disobedient as aft child as if he had leprosy, "Stay away from that child, he will contaminate you with his, disobeying-his-mama-ritis." One of my aunts even went as far as to threaten to revoke my family membership if I ever disobeyed my mother again, alas she did not ask what my mother had done for me to disobey her word.

You would swear that the only people who ever do wrong in the parent-child equation, are the children. The weak chains in the link are the offspring and the Allmighty- Parents are never prone to wrong-doing.
The graphic language that Paul uses in his statement is, 'provoke to wrath', I don't mean to take you on an english lesson but wrath is a pretty strong term, and behold it was used by an Apostle of the living God, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

How do our parents provoke us, well they provoke us when they:
Promise us one thing and then turn around and break their promise, after we had put all our trust in them
When they talk to us like we are little kids
When they undermine our hopes and dreams and substitute them for their own
When they refuse to listen to our side of the story
When they unreasonably favour one sibling over another, I mean if you didn't want the other one why didn't you just kill her instead of putting her through the pain of watching her suffer this horrid injustice.
When they are adamant they are right, when they are blatantly wrong.
The list goes on.

One thing that parents should learn is that the fact that they birthed us, and raised us with sweat blood and tears, does not absolve them from the laws of right and wrong, of the golden rule: Treating others as you would want to be treated.
We want to respect them and even though our respect for them may not necessarily end but it diminishes everytime they do us un-repentantly wrong.
But then again what do I know, I am a child right?

WOZA 2012

So I don't usually get depressing, I like being a bit on the lighter side of life, yes I do.
But let me get deep for once in life, yes I am not all that shallow you know, I do go to church, I do have a bible, and I do watch Oprah every day at half past 5. What? Oprah is not on air anymore? *egg-on-face*

Have you asked yourselves why taxi drivers are the worste drivers on the planet earth. You thought it was only Joburg that had them, but no, everywhere they like that. Whether they're Zulu, Pedi, Ndebele Shangaan, or even English, a taxi driver is a taxi driver. You can have the most decently raised catholic young man, from a quiet rural area who ate all his vegetables and stayed away from girls, that will turn into a monster the moment the taxi owner says, "You're hired!"

Anyway on a more serious note, have you ever wondered why your mother prefers your sibling more than you? Have you ever wondered why your father hasn't been a substantial financial contributor to your life? You've tried many many times to try and twist his arm but everytime you wound up with a broken heart after he breaks the millionth promise he has made?
Have you ever wondered why you just have an arrogant, conceited, vengeful boss or senior colleague. Like everytime you try to be nice or courteous to them they always end up being nasty, still gossip about you, still treat you like an incompetent snobbish freak, that is a disappointing beneficiary of Affirmative Action?

I'm sure we've all had a brief series of moments where we look into our lives and wish that some part of our lives were different, that we went to an Ivy-League university where the people spoke a more fluent english, or we were born into a loftier family, with more attractive physical attributes like that irritating babe magnet from Selimathunzi, who is that guy? Is he even real? He looks like a mannequin!

Fact is life is bloody damn unfair, it is. I mean yes yes I know we can't have it all? But Why do I have to get the irresponsible father? Why didn't I get something else? Like bad spelling, or horrible grammar. I mean I would rather have horrible english than an irresponsible father, at least with horrible english I can become a spokesperson for a political organization, or a soccer player, or even that 5-skipas guy.

Anyway, it turns out that everybody in life does have that dark part, that part that they would rather not have, and we do have a tendency of seeing the benefits that our neighbours have and 'kgaleling'(lusting over) what they have. Often sneaking away into day dreams of how successful or happier or peaceful our lives would be if we had what they had.

I really don't know why some of this happens. I would be lying if I gave you one of those simplistic answers that all christians on facebook give. I hate simplistic cliches that try to paint every situation with the same brush, because not all problems are the same, it's even harder to accept the wisdom in cliches when the one facing the hardship is me.

There is something I have found in my own life though, that kind of helps me make sense of all the hardships thay I have faced in my life.

The truth is no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we pray there are some people and circumstances that we cannot change. I'm talking about that type of holy ghost prayer where you start praying in tongues, quoting 50 scriptures all under the sacrifice of a 40-day fasting, and it still not change. Some things will remain the way they are and some people will just remain the way they are. In such situations after exhausting all probable remedies to the situation, you have to come to a place of acceptance, that things really are the way they are and there's nothing you can do about it.
I don't know what other people say but there are things that are impossible even for you who listens to all the TD Jakes tapes and John C Maxwell books. If you can't change certain things accept them, if you can't accept them leave them.

Khanye West says in a song, "God never gives you something you can't handle..."
I don't know what God he was talking about, because 2 lines later he launched into a rhyme filled with multiple and exotic swear words that would sure make the presence of any God run away. But if a rapper says something so strange then you should know it comes from a certain type of profound and deep realization. Amidst all the seemigly overwhelming challenges we face, there is a certain lesson to be learnt, or even a process to be undergone.
Many of the seemingly unfair 'occurences' in our lives are lessons, or character-developing courses that are necessary for the 'next' level of personal leadership, business and relationship. The ability to handle conflict now,(i.e. in our current lives) is a sort of prelude to the much more 'brighter' future before us. Crying and failing to deal with the challenges now is only a sign that you might not do well when tougher challenges occur.
So when tough challenges and people occur, and there is nothing in the 'Self-Help' handbook that will work, then try accepting the situation but above all else, exhaust it, by sucking all the lessons, principle and character development that you need for the next level, cause I don't know about you but I can't let an experience go without at least learning all I can from it.

We've got to remember that all the teachers in life are not dressed in suites, waltzing into lecture rooms and delivering well-researched theories and concepts. Some of lifes best teachers are circumstances and tests, that we face on a day-to-day basis.
Many of us reject their advice and end up in the same grade-of-life like those 27-year old looking boys in Matric. The university of life is the first school, with the strictest teachers and most heart-wrenching exams. I hate those surpise tests it gives... You know those tests that you had never studied for, never been taught on, never attended the lecture...sad aint it.

Basically what I meant to say is: As we go into 2012 please note:
1) Sometimes there are certain things you can't change even if you wanted to, so either accept them or move on, and
2) Even in those mistakes that you make, suck all the lessons that you can out of them and use those lessons for the next phase of life.

#Woza-2012

Wara Wara Women

So this Sunday I came back from a pretty long spiritual day to find a copy of FAIRLADY on our sofa, I looked around the house and everybody was asleep, the only sound was that of those loud cowardly crickets. So I surveyed the house just to make sure everybody was asleep, I locked all the doors and switched off all the lights, buried myself in the deepest darkest corner of the house with a torch in my hand to ensure that nobody would walk in on me with this incriminating piece of evidence.
Why did I go through a women's magazine? Well there are quite a few things that guys are privy to, that allow us to peak into the complex minds of women. I mean if we are not allowed to know a woman's age, or go into a woman's handbag or be a fly on the wall during their slumber parties, the least we can do is spy on their most treasured pieces of literature.

Of course I didn't go through all the literature, but I went through as many pages and browsed through a couple of articles, just to get the gist of what a woman's magazine contains and I have come, Gentlemen, with a comprehensive report back.

Through my extensive research of the women's magazine I have come to the conclusion that women talk about everything...EVERYTHING!!!!
Sex, Success, Fashion, Feminism, Health, Relationships, Business, and sometimes even politics. Noh maan, these women are too much maan.

All of us know that women are not the most rational of all the species but we can all agree they are the more well rounded beings.
I mean they are the more likely to live longer, more likely to stick around for their kids, raising them with the little that they have...and the more likely to go to church. Yeah you heard me, I mean nigga's runaway from church like they run from a woman who wants to get married soon.
If you ever want to see a live disappearing act, don't go to those overpriced circus thingies, mention church or marriage to your boyfriend.


Women are more well rounded than men! Well,
I mean sure we men invent light bulbs, fight injustices, write stunning poetry, and become great leaders in business and politics...but we also start wars that kill innocent people, say bad things about Botswana (LMAO), create weapons of mass destruction and pick fights with the bouncers...I mean we can get really smart, but really dumb too.

We boast really great men like Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Jordan, Thabo Mbeki, Nkwane Nkrumah and Steve Jobs but we also have some epic fails, factory faults of sorts namely, Robert Mugabe, Benny McCarthy, Muammar Gadhaffi, (may his soul rest in peace, but he was a clown), OJ Simpson and that nigga down the road who insists on spending his whole mothers salary on a carvella, red-skinny-jeans, a floral shirt and a DMD cap.

I just took a tangent, let me come back. The overall well being of women counts in their favour, I mean what do women do when their friend comes through with a big fat pimple on the side of their nose?
Well other than a bit of gossip, most of her friends will try and suggest ways in which she can get rid of the pimple by recommending treatment or one of the other chemicals they have stocked up in the scientific laboratory they call the bathroom.
What will niggas do? An hour of comedy over another brother's pimple.

What happens when a lady comes back crying that her boyfriend of 4 years has cheated on her with his secretary? A night or two of ice-cream, chocolate and comforting.
What happens when a nigga is distraught over a girlfriend cheating? A conversation quite like this, "Nigga We told you to get rid of that chick before you started getting attached, we told you!!!"

What happens when a lady looks crappy at a classy do? Friends give fashion advice.
What do nigga's do? They pretend as if their friend is not wearing black shoes with red socks, and light blue pants, they let it go and assume 'fashion is for the ladies anyway.'

I am not about to suggest that we start writing all these different magazines, but I will say that we need to start being comfortable enough to discuss petty matters. Of course we men have natural tendencies to discuss matters of national importance like the economy, politics, the springboks and which body type is the most suitable to enlarge the population with, but we should also throw in some petty things like:
*What type of personality types you are attracted to,
*How to colour code a suite, tie and shirt (seriously I'm tired of seeing brothers wearing striped suite, striped tie and striped shirt),
*What not to say on a first date (you would be surprised how many men have just screwed up the first date, talking about the 'A' they got in matric and made us all look bad in the process).

Let's have these discussions as men, as a matter of fact let's include these convo's over a braai this Dezemba.

-SGM

Protection Of Leggings Bill

I'm sure most men have been in this situation. You're walking through the mall minding your own business, not looking for trouble, not even tryna look at hot women, when just after you walk out of Stuttafords to check if that shoe you like is still there, there it is. A women wearing leggings, at first you can't really see properly if it’s the only thing she is wearing, you thought it was a really tight jean, or maybe you had swapped eyes with Hugh Hefner. So to confirm that your eyes are really seeing what they think they're seeing you wait for her to pass, but you don't turn like those kasi guys who open their eyes wide and lick their lips as a woman passes by. No you are decent, you wait for her to take a couple of steps past you, just as many to avoid looking like a taxi driver but just enough for you to confirm your suspicions.
"OH MY GOSH!!!! YOH IYOH"
Someone give me the number for the fashion police.

At first ladies wearing leggings as pants was a complete rarity, ladies everywhere knew the rules, it was either a longish top or a shawl wrapped around the waist to cover the bottom. It seemed at least that this unwritten rule was obeyed. It wasn't until I first saw that one chick at Cresta Mall and that big eyed chick from Wits-West Campus that the bubble burst. In fact all I've seen that chick wear are leggings, everyday, she started it, that big eyed woman... you know her Juanita's friend. I hope she has a couple of extra pairs, because if you going to wear leggings like that, and that often then you need to change them, you can't have just one.

I swear these two people started it all, they tore the veil. The next week I fancied a few glasses of Jesus' blood and a couple house tunes at the Bank in Rosebank and every second woman was wearing them as pants. It was like the end of the world, turmoil everywhere. Order and discipline were destroyed, lawlessness prevailed, the criminals were having their way.

Let me get serious: Day in-Day out we have hear feminist after feminist preaching the gospel of equality amongst the genders, about oppressive patriarchal settings in the workplace, about jokes that perpetuate the objectifying of women etc. I fully agree with some of them even though their advocacies deprive me of my patriarchal benefits.
But women have a big role to play in society, and so far they've played their roles superbly. However the responsibility of treatment lies equally on men as it does on women i.e. If women want men to stop objectifying them, then they need to stop acting like objects.

Okay sorry that was crude. What I meant to say was: Even though the boundaries of fashion are pushed they have the unintended tendency of making it tougher for men to put away their object spectacles, remember progressive men are MEN too you know.
The un-objective feminist may argue, "It's not our fault that men have difficulty managing the guns in their pockets!"
To which I shudder and shake my head, as the feminist cause gets tossed into the closet, to be called upon during our precious Women's Month and again during 16days of Activism. *sigh*

Exam Bombshell

Hey it's exam time but I am not going to bug everyone with the usual motivational rhetoric that all speakers like to spew during such times. I think all of us know what to do by now, if you don't, then I don't know what to say to you.
I would, however, like to warn everyone of the exam bombshell, yes the exam bombshell. Basically the exam bombshell is when you get dumped cheated on, or find out that your girlfriend/boyfriend was cheating on you during exam time.
Why am I warning you about this? Well it's pretty obvious, the person asking this question is probably a very innocent first year that hasn't dated much in life, or is a very lucky and arrogant prick who has never had their heart broken (Lemini iyeza nakuwe-This afternoon will one day come to you).
In my four-grueling years in that over-priced capitalistic racist institution of the Witwatersrand there has never been a more heart-wrenching, suicide-inducing, soul-stealing time such as exam time. I kid you not, even the most evil-bloodsipping satanist transforms into bible-bashing Jehovah's witnesses in this time, speaking in tongues and confessing that Jesus Christ is Lord and praying for a miracle to get them to at least a 50% at the end of the year.
To top this all off in each of these four years, I have heard or encountered people who had their hearts broken right in the heart of exam time. This of course is hard to handle, and some of these people ended up failing all or some of the courses they had registered for.

For anyone who is from a middle-class family like myself, failing is a sin, I mean we spend almost R60 000 alone on university life, so we can't afford to waist all of this on a person who wasn't worth it in the first place.

So here are some tips on how to avoid getting your heart broken during this season:

1) Sit your loving partner down and in a soft and loving tone, warn him that if he/she even thinks of breaking your heart you will hunt some acid down from wherever you can find it and you will gently pour it all over him/her, when they least expect it and light him on fire while s/he is screaming in 'extreme' agony on the floor.

2) When you receive a call from your girlfriend/boyfriend saying, "We need to talk..." In a firm or heavy tone just say, "okay" but switch off your phone and avoid them for the next 3 weeks, don't even go onto Facebook, not even BBM. I'm warning you, don't let curiosity get the better of you, resist it and concentrate on the buff textbooks staring you right in the face.

If these 2 things don't work, you're in big trouble, seriously. there is no plan 3. So if you do become of a victim of an "Exam Bombshell" I want you to go on your knees, and pray.
What I can say is there is nothing worse than allowing a person who doesn't deserve you the leverage of being the catalyst to your demise. Stand strong, study hard and give it your all.

On a more serious note, God didn't bring you this far to leave you, just Pray like you haven't studied, and study like you haven't prayed.
Remember that the number one reason your parents sent you to varsity is to get an education, so make them proud, it's the least you can do.

Twitter/ @SimonMtsukiSays

How Real is Reality TV?

With the recent Mzansi boom in South African reality TV shows I found myself deeply pondering about the validity of all this reality.

I mean seriously? Let me ask you a simple logical question. If you were a well known self-respecting individual who happened to have his face on newspapers and television screens, how authentic would you be if camera's followed you around? Would you show us sides of yourself that you wouldn't normally show? If you cheated on your wife with the helper would you allow the camera's to at least see the previews of the passion?
When you argue with your father would you actually show the parts where you tell him, how unreasonable he is?

Remember the camera is right there in your face, the constant reminder that your proud mother who tells all her friends at work about you is watching. How can we forget your pastor who always uses you as an example during his sermons, who sees you as a role model to other young and upcoming teens. What about potential business clients and partners, how much of your self-exposure will hamper their dealings with you?

None of us can doubt that the mere knowledge that there is a camera pointed in our direction changes our 'action'. It can be a mere digital camera at a braai, it won't be long until you try to turn around and show us your good side or try to pop a hand sign from an old Tupac rap video. Whatever the case or scenario, camera's do alter the way we handle ourselves and the manner in which we handle ourselves in front of them cannot be said to be reality.

My understanding of the business of reality TV is somewhat jaded. I am smart enough to understand, though, that nobody would allow the discomfort of having middle-aged men with big stomachs, hanging camera's over their shoulder to follow them around, without a little compensation. We all know that these people get millions or hundred thousands of rands for letting camera's follow them around. Which for me brings a-whole-nother aspect of 'unreality' to the reality.
If you are getting paid, for reality, you are actually getting paid for the entertainment people will derive from watching your life on screen...if the economic benefit you derive is that important you are more likely to get as controversial and suspense-filled as possible, which decreases the likelihood of us seeing the 'real' you on television.
So it's not really reality...it's just a form of what the famous reality television producer Jerry Bruckheimer calls, "Unscripted Drama".

The more I think about it, the more I realize that television can get a bit ridiculous. I mean what's so interesting about Kenny Kunene's life? And those twins? Who are they? Now it's Nelson Mandelas grandchildren, yes we like their grandad he's like the father of the nation but where do they come from? What quality contribution have they made in our country that allow them to gain 30 minutes of every monday of our lives?
Who's next Khanyi Mbau? Nonhle Thema?

I'm all for quality television, I watch the news, sports, comedy cause laughter realy is the best medicine...and the odd movie.
But to be honest I think there is a global conspiracy to feed us a whole of manyol, to fill our heads with fantasies, and get us disturbed from the real issues in life. Issues like, why the heck they aren't giving the Dalai Lama a visa? Or why they're not giving Palestine UN statehood?
What genre of music does the. Dalai Lama sing, And where in KZN is Palestine?
I smile, grin and laugh...but I really wanna cry, because even though our younger brothers and sisters might take some time to solve the square root of 144 is, or tell us who Helen Suzman is, they can easily point out with a burst of excitement at a picture of Kim Kardashian. *sigh* DOUBLE SIGH*

RIP Steve Jobs-The Crazy One