Exam Bombshell

Hey it's exam time but I am not going to bug everyone with the usual motivational rhetoric that all speakers like to spew during such times. I think all of us know what to do by now, if you don't, then I don't know what to say to you.
I would, however, like to warn everyone of the exam bombshell, yes the exam bombshell. Basically the exam bombshell is when you get dumped cheated on, or find out that your girlfriend/boyfriend was cheating on you during exam time.
Why am I warning you about this? Well it's pretty obvious, the person asking this question is probably a very innocent first year that hasn't dated much in life, or is a very lucky and arrogant prick who has never had their heart broken (Lemini iyeza nakuwe-This afternoon will one day come to you).
In my four-grueling years in that over-priced capitalistic racist institution of the Witwatersrand there has never been a more heart-wrenching, suicide-inducing, soul-stealing time such as exam time. I kid you not, even the most evil-bloodsipping satanist transforms into bible-bashing Jehovah's witnesses in this time, speaking in tongues and confessing that Jesus Christ is Lord and praying for a miracle to get them to at least a 50% at the end of the year.
To top this all off in each of these four years, I have heard or encountered people who had their hearts broken right in the heart of exam time. This of course is hard to handle, and some of these people ended up failing all or some of the courses they had registered for.

For anyone who is from a middle-class family like myself, failing is a sin, I mean we spend almost R60 000 alone on university life, so we can't afford to waist all of this on a person who wasn't worth it in the first place.

So here are some tips on how to avoid getting your heart broken during this season:

1) Sit your loving partner down and in a soft and loving tone, warn him that if he/she even thinks of breaking your heart you will hunt some acid down from wherever you can find it and you will gently pour it all over him/her, when they least expect it and light him on fire while s/he is screaming in 'extreme' agony on the floor.

2) When you receive a call from your girlfriend/boyfriend saying, "We need to talk..." In a firm or heavy tone just say, "okay" but switch off your phone and avoid them for the next 3 weeks, don't even go onto Facebook, not even BBM. I'm warning you, don't let curiosity get the better of you, resist it and concentrate on the buff textbooks staring you right in the face.

If these 2 things don't work, you're in big trouble, seriously. there is no plan 3. So if you do become of a victim of an "Exam Bombshell" I want you to go on your knees, and pray.
What I can say is there is nothing worse than allowing a person who doesn't deserve you the leverage of being the catalyst to your demise. Stand strong, study hard and give it your all.

On a more serious note, God didn't bring you this far to leave you, just Pray like you haven't studied, and study like you haven't prayed.
Remember that the number one reason your parents sent you to varsity is to get an education, so make them proud, it's the least you can do.

Twitter/ @SimonMtsukiSays

How Real is Reality TV?

With the recent Mzansi boom in South African reality TV shows I found myself deeply pondering about the validity of all this reality.

I mean seriously? Let me ask you a simple logical question. If you were a well known self-respecting individual who happened to have his face on newspapers and television screens, how authentic would you be if camera's followed you around? Would you show us sides of yourself that you wouldn't normally show? If you cheated on your wife with the helper would you allow the camera's to at least see the previews of the passion?
When you argue with your father would you actually show the parts where you tell him, how unreasonable he is?

Remember the camera is right there in your face, the constant reminder that your proud mother who tells all her friends at work about you is watching. How can we forget your pastor who always uses you as an example during his sermons, who sees you as a role model to other young and upcoming teens. What about potential business clients and partners, how much of your self-exposure will hamper their dealings with you?

None of us can doubt that the mere knowledge that there is a camera pointed in our direction changes our 'action'. It can be a mere digital camera at a braai, it won't be long until you try to turn around and show us your good side or try to pop a hand sign from an old Tupac rap video. Whatever the case or scenario, camera's do alter the way we handle ourselves and the manner in which we handle ourselves in front of them cannot be said to be reality.

My understanding of the business of reality TV is somewhat jaded. I am smart enough to understand, though, that nobody would allow the discomfort of having middle-aged men with big stomachs, hanging camera's over their shoulder to follow them around, without a little compensation. We all know that these people get millions or hundred thousands of rands for letting camera's follow them around. Which for me brings a-whole-nother aspect of 'unreality' to the reality.
If you are getting paid, for reality, you are actually getting paid for the entertainment people will derive from watching your life on screen...if the economic benefit you derive is that important you are more likely to get as controversial and suspense-filled as possible, which decreases the likelihood of us seeing the 'real' you on television.
So it's not really reality...it's just a form of what the famous reality television producer Jerry Bruckheimer calls, "Unscripted Drama".

The more I think about it, the more I realize that television can get a bit ridiculous. I mean what's so interesting about Kenny Kunene's life? And those twins? Who are they? Now it's Nelson Mandelas grandchildren, yes we like their grandad he's like the father of the nation but where do they come from? What quality contribution have they made in our country that allow them to gain 30 minutes of every monday of our lives?
Who's next Khanyi Mbau? Nonhle Thema?

I'm all for quality television, I watch the news, sports, comedy cause laughter realy is the best medicine...and the odd movie.
But to be honest I think there is a global conspiracy to feed us a whole of manyol, to fill our heads with fantasies, and get us disturbed from the real issues in life. Issues like, why the heck they aren't giving the Dalai Lama a visa? Or why they're not giving Palestine UN statehood?
What genre of music does the. Dalai Lama sing, And where in KZN is Palestine?
I smile, grin and laugh...but I really wanna cry, because even though our younger brothers and sisters might take some time to solve the square root of 144 is, or tell us who Helen Suzman is, they can easily point out with a burst of excitement at a picture of Kim Kardashian. *sigh* DOUBLE SIGH*

RIP Steve Jobs-The Crazy One

Friday is Tie-day

Remember that game that was started by the 'Bully Brigade' in primary school, where they would run to unsuspecting little kids, grab and mercilessly yank their ties, screaming 'FRIDAY's TIE-DAY'. You don't? Okay moving right along.
Let's be honest people, like really honest: Friday is not a full work day, it just isn't. I know the nerdy, hardworker in you would have you believe otherwise but she's lying.

Whether you're a student, an employee or businessman Friday is just not a full work day. Even my retired grandma does nothing on a Friday, I heard her tell her pastor (who suggested a prayer session) on the phone yesterday, "Friday Mfundisi? hayi ses'thandaza kakhulu manje, hayi mina angeke ngikhone" (No Reverend, No i think we are praying too much nowadays, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it).

I remember times where I would go to work with the intention of completing a deadline, the first 4 hours were pretty productive, until I went out for lunch. The scent of the air would just paralyze my workaholic nerves, I would find myself extending my lunch time. And then when I came back late the boss would try to give but 'the eye', but he knows it's Friday, he can feel it too.

In varsity I don't remember ever going to a class on Friday. I would wake up a bit late, put the books in my bag, I remember going through the gate, but somewhere between the boomgate and the lecture was a distraction laid by the devil to lure me in. Either it was my friends chilling by our usual chilling place watching girls pass by and enjoying good conversation, or it was an intense strategic plan for the weekend ahead.

At work it's that fellow employee who sits right next to you who always has the best topics to discuss. The problem with these guys is they never leave you alone, even when you try to signal that you're trying to work, they just keep on talking.
They start with a question, "So did you watch the game last night?"
"No!" , you give them a short and dry answer hoping they'll get the picture: You trying to work!! But no, they carry on…
"Duuuuuude you missed out, you should've seen those Namibians, they were usuless"
And do you know how many tries we scored?"
And that is the start of the conversation that will end up making Friday a half-productive day.

For anybody who has a lecture today and would like to actually to go to it? "I say resist the devil and he will flee from you"

If you have a deadline to complete or a presentation to make, I say "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you"
And if you have a nagging fellow employee who will not let you work in peace, I say, "My condolences."

Whoever you are, at least try to get some work done, a good and reasonable amount. As for me I'm gonna finish this proposal to the heavenly delegation, I want them to extend the weekend and make Wednesday a bit longer. I believe this will assist in cutting costs, increase productivity and boost worker morale.
It will also increase the chances of people going to church on Sunday because they will have more drinking days and thus more of an opportunity to nurse the hangover. This will in turn increase the chances of people getting born-again, and increase heaven’s membership before the end of the world on 21st of October, or May...or whenever the world ends. Call it a return on investment. Wish me luck.

And remember: Friday's Tie-day.

PURSUE YOUR PASSION (by Kirk Nugent)

(I just had to share this poem by Kirk Nugent, enjoy)


This is your life,
Your purpose on this Earth is not to please me.
Nor is it to fulfill your parents unrealized dreams.
You were not placed here to make concessions so that they could be proud,
So they could brag about their seed,
Fulfill some unfulfilled childhood emotional need
Let them be proud of their very own deeds
This is your life!

I came to shine light into the dark
And like a dog against a hydrant, I am leaving my mark!
We were not sent here to invest in someone else’s idea of what we should be
The complacent life does not stimulate me.
So forgive me if I feel no compassion
For those poor souls who live to follow the fashion.
Because if you want to live a life that’s neither limited nor ration,
Then by God you must pursue your passion.
They will tell you that it can’t be done
As though you were delivered unto this world for your song to go unsung.
Let the world scream that unattainable theme
But for you, there is no such thing as an impossible dream.

Ain’t no mystery, check the history
Examine the life of Oprah Winfrey,
Muhammad Ali, Mahatma Gandhi.
Remember what they told Walt Disney?
They said, “Young man you must be blind
You must have lost your rodent loving mind!
No one would ever pay to be entertained by a mouse
Or anything of that kind.”
Now Disney is worth more than everyone in this room…combined!
Pursue your passion!

Steven Spielberg was kicked out of the University of Southern California
Film School because his grades weren’t good enough.
Pursue your passion!

Russell Simmons refused to sign Madonna
Because he thought she had no talent.
Pursue your passion!

Brandy’s teacher told her she was too ugly to be an actress.
Pursue your passion!

Bill Cosby used to shine shoes in front of Temple University.
Pursue your passion!


Michael Jordan was benched on his basketball team in High school
Pursue your passion!

Larry Bird was benched his entire freshman year of college.
Pursue your passion!

Here is proof that greatness is born out of zero doubt
In 1962 Decca Records dismissed four young musicians
Told them that groups with guitars were on their way out.
They left without a contract
But refused to walk on pins and needles
Months later they released their first album
And called themselves, “The Beatles”
Pursue your passion!

Colonel Sanders was 65 when he fried his first piece of chicken,
Made millions after he convinced us that it was finger lickin’.
Pursue your passion!

Lauren Hill was booed at the Apollo
Pursue your passion!

Luther Vandross was booed off the Apollo
Not once, not twice, but three times!
You’ve got to keep coming back ladies and gentlemen.
Forget the limitations set by your fellow man,
Because when you pursue your passion,
Provision will be provided for your plan!

Let others lead small lives, but not you.
Let others be satisfied with the crumbs, but not you.
Let others sit around and be chronic complainers, but not you.
Let others be volunteers victims, but not you!
Let others be imprisoned by their fears, but not you.
Let others use their race, their gender,
Their sexual orientation as a crutch, but not you.

Let others be concerned about what the neighbors
Might think, say or do. but this is not for you!
Leave that for the politicians, the governors,
Start caring about other people’s opinion
And you’ll become their prisoner.
This is about a lifestyle that uniquely fits.
Life is God’s gift to you,
Style is what you make out of it.
Whatever you’re passionate about, the perfection of that craft can be learned
So with the obstacles of this world be not concerned
Because if you set yourself on fire
The world will come watch you burn.
So now that you know that impossible is a word
Found in the dictionary of fools.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do with the rest of your life?
What two things do you want said about you when you die?

I never listened to what the pessimists are telling me
Because I know that the richest place on the planet is the cemetery.
There you will find books that were never written,
Loved ones that were never forgiven,
Ideas that were smitten
And dreams that were forbidden.
Soil that was never tilled, cathedrals that were never built!
Restaurants that were never opened
Chefs that never knew they were smoking.
Paintings that were never drawn nor hung,
Songs that were neither composed nor sung
Souls that never acted on what they really wanted to do
So don’t you dare die with your greatness buried within you!

The sperm that fertilized your egg
Survived the odds of 400 million to one.
Get it? Your sperm won!
As long as you live, you will never face such dramatic odds,
Now tell me that ain’t proof you’re favored by God.

You’re greater than any obstacle that can make you hysterical
So don’t you dare leave without your miracle.
It’s all an illusion, don’t you invest in their lies
Their forecast of economic woes and financial demise.
The Universe has an infinite supply, so no need to lie when I testify
That regardless of the economy, you cannot be denied!
It matters not if they raise the terrorist threat level
To hot pink, burgundy or fuchsia
You were born to control your future!
Don’t let ‘em fool you.
You were born to win, destined to be great
Magnificence was chiseled into your heart,
When God made you he was just showing off!
Discover your divine assignment and you’ll have no reason to retreat
Discover your passion and you’ll laugh in the face of defeat.
Indifferent to the pressures felt and you do not buckle like a belt.
Declare today that you refuse to lose
Because you can either live your dreams,
Or you can live your excuse!

So even when I’m old and grey,
I’ll still be commanding the stage,
Words still be smoking off the page.
So understand…this ain’t no phase!
Because everyday I learn a new lesson,
My best poem has yet to be written
And I’m not leaving until what I came to give has been given.
99 on the mic and I’ll still be spittin’ Still be rippin’
Still be giving, Still be driven So let my tombstone read:
Here lies Kirk and he died…LIVING

Burying Past Relationships

So you're sitting with a potential girlfriend, she's great, you guys have had a few random dates enough for her to kinda get the picture that you dig her and would like a tad more than a 'Will and Grace' type of situation.
You've pulled all the necessary stunts, you've taken her to the movies and grabbed a hand, even though you weren't man enough to go for the kiss (Chicken!!!). You call her on random occasions and tell her you just thought about her and you've taken those long strolls where you gently push her with your hip, she pushes you back, and you push her and then you both push each other until one of you realizes it has to stop, cause somone might fool around and spring an ankle, even worse fall over the ledge. Then your chances will really be screwed.

Anyway during one of these semi-romantic days someone's mouth got so big, they decided to talk about past relationships. Oh yes, the dreaded must-have ex's conversation. Of course most guys hate this conversation, at least I do, I mean why can't they just stay in the past. I do however find myself in these horrendous situations where she has talked about her ex and in an unprecedented, emotionally blackmailing kind of way I am expected to dig up scenes from my past relationship/s. We all remember the big rule right, "When a woman does something for you, you're expected to return an equal to the deed she has done" the opposite does not apply though, she is not expected to do for you what you did for her. Don't look confused, I don't set the rules, I just follow them.
Anyway, so when she has spoken about her ex, you definitely have to speak about yours. If you don't you'll seem like a bitter old hag that hasn't gotten over his ex, and that's just unmanly.
So you begin...and just like we're supposed to do, you keep it sweet enough to share that it was special, but short enough to relay that it ended, but just when you thought ya’ll can move onto the next item on the agenda, she goes back to talking about her ex. DAMN!!!!
As she carries on, you read between the oh so thin lines you and realize that this person might just not be over her ex... at least not as you would like them to be. This is not something she will tell you, but it's usually written all over her glowing eyes and the big fat ugly smile on her face when she talks about the schmuck.

To add salt to the already exposed wound is her mentioning a character trait that we all know you lack. Like ‘he was more patient, he used to cook for me, he loved children’ or the most common, "He used to buy me lots of expensive gifts".
After that scene from an all too familiar movie, we all know what just happened..."You just got compared" *sigh* *sigh* Heavy Sigh*
If this has ever happened to you, whether guy or girl, I would like to spare a moment of silence.

*silence*

Well quite honestly, this happens, very unfortunate, but it does.
It happens when someone:
1) Has not found closure from their past relationship.
2) Notices undesirable character traits in their 'potential' that they would like to change
3) Is just an ungrateful spoilt little brat that wants to have Mr./Miss Perfect when they, themselves are anything but.

The truth is when someone has not buried their past relationship, it rests as a stinking rotting corpse laying in a closet somewhere in their lives. The smell comes out in romantic settings when innocent brothers are trying to make headway, nxa.
The truth is people just need to get over their ex's, seriously. It ended for a reason. And guess what? Relationships do end, not (always) because you (or the other party) are bad people, but because sometimes that's what happens.

The process of closure is a very painful but necessary one, equatable to the 'process' of healing after an important operation. Cry, mourn, eat ice-cream, pray, listen to Tracy Chapman, and mourn some more. Just make sure that you do whatever it takes to rid yourself of the remnants of the previous person.
I've always said, that romantic relationships are a pretty strange concept. I mean one minute a person becomes part of your life, your mind, your heart, your laughter, a 'prism' through which you view this journey of life. And then suddenly you have to let them go. That takes some getting used to and many of us are tempted to keep a piece of that person with us. Some pieces bigger than others'. Some of us even bring them back for a few occasions, borrowing them from other people, other times using them to fill a void that our current partner does not fill.
I'm not going to be gentle about this. It's sick, horrible, unfair, evil, dirty, and a by-product of naivety. And if I see you doing this I'm gonna slap you.
On the serious side though, there's nothing with reminiscing, the problem comes when you dwell.
Your life's fulfilment is not dependant on one person, no matter how big a role they played you can still live happily without them.

Remember that when God takes one thing from you, He is trying to make space for the better one. So please don't stall the divine process of making you a better person, by holding on to the former things. It's tough I know, but it's better to suffer in the short-term and benefit in the long-term, than benefit in the short-term but suffer in the long-term.

Happy Loving My Peeps.

-SGM